My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.