Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster