My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
every man in east london
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Finally
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Hmm, not sure about this change
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you