My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
You Might Also Like
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.