My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
a public service announcement
black phone good
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Breaking news:
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I hydrated. Surrender now.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*