My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.