My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
I believe the plural is “milves.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.