My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr