My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Cat or sheep
