Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]