My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You Might Also Like
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
every single time
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Omg 🤣
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My therapist after every session
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”