@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

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@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

@_wangwe

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

@NicestHippo

“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer

@fro_vo

Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what

@GrowlyGrego

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@AndyAsAdjective

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”