My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
yeah 😭
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.