1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“OK men, spread out.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”