Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

And now we wait

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.