Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Oh, I bet you would be

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm