My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing