Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

my astrological sign is a french fry

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.