Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?