My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.