My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds