My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Every work meeting this week
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home