Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

They’re really bad with fonts.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.