My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805