My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
be safe out there!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.