My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*has no idea what a book even is*
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny