My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
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you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
that’s really how it is
