My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.