Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

never ask a starfish for directions

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

😂💯

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?