My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”