My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Harsh but fair
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When the stylist spins you back around
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”