My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Grandpa
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”