My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
When I snag the last meatball.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I love wikipedia
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!