my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
how was your vacation
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
m’lady
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.