my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
the way this pissed me off… 😭
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO