my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Meow?
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
cry laughing at this shit