my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.