It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You Might Also Like
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
the answer was staring at me all along
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.