Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette