Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

True

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

Do one thing every day that scares people.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.