Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

channeling her this year

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.