Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.