Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

*praying for world peace*
God:

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.