Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

My wife gives the best headache.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning