My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
do horses think humans are hats
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home