My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’