My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”