Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
You Might Also Like
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?