My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
one of
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)