My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.