My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Just me?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth