My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.