@RunOldMan

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

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@shkeeber

Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola

@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.

@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

@mack44_d

Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!

@daemonic3

[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos

@patnspankme

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

@rolldiggity

1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.