@shkeeber
Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:
-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola
@RunOldMan
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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@shkeeber
@MarieColette
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
@Brampersandon_
A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.
@therepoguy
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
@matthewbaldwin
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
@yung_butters
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
@mack44_d
Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!
@daemonic3
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
@patnspankme
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
@rolldiggity
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.