My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.