@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

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@joeljeffrey

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

@dumbbeezie

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

@BoogTweets

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

@GeriatricBeards

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

@ficklenuts

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

@deedles420

Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?

@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@kateberlant

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch