The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!