[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
you have three unread messages
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.
ME: This is a service burrito.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.
– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.