@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

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@T_Bonezzz_

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

@shine_with_love

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

@jessokfine

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

@mxmclain

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.