My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The options really are this bad
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.