My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid


Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.


One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.


People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk


I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.


If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.


A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.