My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert


Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons


Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands


[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?


Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”


I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero


Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?


George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.


Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch