@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

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@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@AndrewChamings

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy

@myles_morrison

The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

@GensPlace

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

@stephenjmolloy

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

@McGrumpenstein

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!