My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils