My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.