My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.