My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.