My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?