My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.