My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
You Might Also Like
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
They’re called werewolves.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
socratic questions
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.