My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?