Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Meme Monday.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

why does this building look like a guilty dog

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out