Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.