My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons