My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
What’s the point buying it then?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon