My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I saw nothing
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“That’s what” – She
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?