Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.