My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.