My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
me
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.