My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
