My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.