My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Is….Is this an option?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?